This isn't the Beatles!
by JMK758
Summary: All Jimmy wanted, after thirteen hours in Autopsy, was a quiet evening. How could things go so wrong?
1. Magical Mystery Tour

This isn't the Beatles!  
by JMK758  
Chapter One  
Magical Mystery Tour

Jimmy Palmer turns the key and pushes his apartment door open with the last of his strength, planning to simply collapse on the carpet and start snoring. Undressing is just too much work, his clothes feel too heavy to hold up and he's not going to stay awake longer than it'll take to shove his trousers down, step out of them, pull off and drop his shirt and crash onto the couch - except it's already full.

"Hi, Jimmy!" Chelle exclaims. He's happy to see her, slightly less so to see Sammy Sky seated beside her on the couch on his left. It's not that he doesn't like her, they've become good friends - particularly after they'd gotten her free of a murder charge - but the chirpy blonde ME Apprentice is best taken in small doses - when he's awake.

Still, there's no call to be ungracious; he can summon up a last burst of energy to play good host for 30 seconds, then ride the last diminishing dredges of energy into the bedroom and collapse there.

Sammy almost runs off the couch and grabs his arm. "Now I don't want you to freak, honey, it's not anything that can't be fixed."

He stares down into her pale blue eyes. 'Honey?' Looking down - she's five nothing as opposed to his six feet - Chelle's five five and closer to his face but why's Sammy addressing him so familiarly?

"Actually, I don't think it's so bad as all that," Michelle says from the couch while he tries to extricate his arm from Sammy's grip, but she turns on Michelle.

"Just _shut up_! This is _your_ fault!"

x

"HEY!" He yanks his arm loose from the small woman. Friend is friend but "Don't you talk to my wife like that."

"No," Chelle says. "It's okay."

He turns, amazed that she'd let a guest do this, but as he does he catches a glimpse of a large, seemingly ancient book open upon a small stand on the coffee table before her. "What's _that _doing out here?"

Every witch, be she Wiccan or no, has a book where she keeps her spells and other magical work, and so far as he knows it's universally called the 'Book of Shadows'. Chelle says it's an ancient title but he's always suspected she got it from 'Charmed'. But the point is that it's supposed to be in the wheeled cabinet she uses as an altar together with the rest of her stuff, not open wide on a stand on the coffee table.

"That's what I'm trying to _tell _you," Sammy says, pulling his attention down. Discourteous – again; he was talking to his wife.

He looks from her to his wife to their very strange friend. "_What_?"

"Listen," Sammy says, looking up at him intently, "it's very simple."

"What is?" What's their usually so bubbly friend stressed out about? And he's not forgetting, or soon forgiving, her uber-rudeness.

"I am she," Sammy points back and forth between herself and Chelle, "and she is me."

"And we are all together goog oog a choo?"

"THIS ISN'T THE BEATLES!"

He nearly jumps out of her grip.

"I thought you said you weren't going to freak," Chelle says.

"I said I didn't want HIM to freak! _I can freak as much as I want_!"

x

He's had enough. He tears his arm free, tries to cling to the last of his temper but he's exhausted and she's really working it. "Sammy, you're freaking enough. Before I throw your... butt out of here, what are you trying to say?"

"Honey–"

"_Don't_ 'honey' me."

"I was trying to teach her a bit of magic and–"

"Wait! _You _were trying to teach _Chelle _magic? _She's _the witch, not–"

x

A horrible realization chills him. He looks down to the petite but unusually not so intense blonde, then to his wife seated on the couch, who shrugs and gives him a very disturbing smile. "Oh no. Oh no, no no no no no." He looks back down to Sammy.

"Please don't freak."

"Don't freak. Don't _freak_? HOW CAN I NOT _FREAK_? MY WIFE IS IN... _here_?"

"Hey," Michelle's mouth says, "it's a perfectly good body."

"Yeah? If it's so good, get inside it!"

She smiles and shrugs - when does she ever get mad even when in someone else's body? "If I could I would."

'I'm gonna jump out a window.' "All right, _what _happened?" 'But that'll only give Ducky more work and ruin his night.'

"I'm teaching her a bit of magic," Sammy - _Michelle _says, "with my wand. And dingbat over there–."

"Over there," Chelle's mouth says.

"Reaches out and _touches _the tip of the wand just as I say muto!"

"What's muto?"

"Shift, change, alter, transform, exchange, take your freaking pick."

He looks from one woman to the other. "Oh... _Frack_."

xx

Fifteen minutes later, fifteen minutes of him on the couch with Chelle on the other end and Sammy - or rather Sammy at the other end and Chelle paging through the Book of Shadows...

"That's it." She closes the book from back to front. "I went through the entire book - hardly a point because I _wrote _it - and there's nothing I can use as a Transfer Spell."

"But couldn't you just..."

"First thing we tried," Chelle says, sitting back in the couch. Rather Sammy in Michelle's body–

"Apparently," Sammy, no, _Chelle _says, "you can't just recreate an accident to reverse it."

"Then what can you do?"

"I left a voice mail for Kendra on all her phones." She looks at the clock on the cable box. "If she plays her message - at 11:14 - she may be able to help."

"Well," Sammy in Michelle at the couch right arm says, "if she's as good a High Priestess as she is a lawyer," Kendra Little had represented Sammy at her murder arraignment, "she should be able to save us."

"Well, what do we do in the meantime?" Jimmy asks.

x

Sammy's face turns to him. He can barely get used to the idea that his _wife's_ in there. "Why don't you get some rest? You look beat."

"I was beat when I got home. Now I'm sliced, diced and grated."

"Go to bed."

"Great idea," Sammy in Michelle agrees. "But..." She looks to her former body. "Which of us gets the bed with him?"

Jimmy's off the couch before the blonde between them can say a word. "No. No _way_. I am not getting into this. I'm not getting bound up with either of you until this is finished."

"_Honey_," blonde Michelle inside exclaims, leaping to her feet. "You're a _genius_!"

"Oh heck, I knew tha... what did I say?"

"Binding - or rather unbinding. Our souls, essences, whatever, were transferred but were never bound to these bodies. An unbinding spell _might _work."

"So cast it."

She shakes her head. "It's not that simple. You can't just _cast _an unbinding spell. You need things." She sits down and quickly flips through the pages until she reaches a page with her distinctive calligraphic script, which is headed in large flowing script 'To Unbind A Spirit.' "Yes. Yes. Yes ... Damn."

"Damn?"

"Pineapple."

"Pineapple? You unbind a spirit with pineapple?" Sammy's face gives him a look that can only come from too long observing Agent Gibbs. "All right, pineapple." He looks at the cable box on the television. "I can try S&H." An hour ago he was ready to fall face first onto the nearest horizontal or near horizontal surface. Now both women are on their feet and he's still confused about which one to speak to. "Any particular kind?"

"Fresh as possible," Sammy's lips say.

"Figures. Hope that doesn't mean just harvested."

"Would be nice."

"Don't go away."

The two women exchange glances, then back to him but it's Sammy's mouth that asks "Where would we go?"

"_I'd _kind of like to go to Sodom and Gomorrah and really shake them up," Sammy says with Michelle's mouth. Double glares, one up, one down. "All right," she gives in. "Would've been fun."

"Too much fun," Jimmy says, heading to the door beside the couch.

x

"Jimmy?" the petite blonde calls. He turns back to her. "Aren't you going to give me a kiss?"

He can't help it. He hesitates. It's Sammy. No, it's _not_ Sammy, it's Michelle in Sammy's body, but he can't kiss her with his wife right next to – No, with Sammy right next to... "I'll give you two when this is solved."

She looks away. "Yeah, right, whatever..."

"Chelle–"

"Go before they close."

He opens the door, walks out as fast as he can. He won't be suicidal enough to mention S&H is 24/7.


	2. Madness

Chapter Two  
Madness

S&H Grocery is only five blocks away, they had fresh pineapple and he chose the freshest and tried to triple-time walk back, his head still reeling. Chelle and Sammy in each other's bodies - he's still not sure he hasn't fallen asleep in the elevator and is riding up and down with Chelle worried sick. In some ways he'd prefer that but he doesn't meet his slumbering body in the car going up; hadn't on the way down and this is no improvement.

He lets himself in and the first thing he sees is Chelle, rather her body, hurrying across the room to him.

"_Honey_!"

He shies back - how strange is that? - but there's nowhere to retreat to but the door and he can't avoid her tight hug.

"Sam- _Chelle_?"

She leans back with a grin, looking up to him. "It's _okay_. It's _me_."

"Huh? How?" He holds up the bag, not easy with her arms still pinning his. "I brought the pineapple."

"Don't need it."

x

This planet's spinning too fast, he decides as she grins again, probably - certainly - knowing by how much he isn't following this. "It's okay. The spell wore off, rather suddenly actually. I was in the bathroom, then suddenly out here and Sammy came out, as freaked as a muggle who just found herself peeing in a Hogwarts bathroom."

"I guess so." He looks around. The Book of Shadows is gone, likely back where it belongs - just like Chelle. "Where is she?"

"Gone. She warped out of here like the Legions of Hell were after her. I don't know that we'll see her any time soon."

"I guess not." With all this talk about freaking, he imagines she must be the most. He rather feels sorry for her, even if it was her novice goof-up that caused it all.

x

Chelle pulls him down into a kiss, and it's so fiery all he can do is go along with the passion. One hand to the back of his head holds his lips down to her, the other invades his rear pocket to hold something else.

"Chelle?" he barely manages to slur against her lips.

"Jimmy, don't talk," she mutters into his mouth. "Just do it. I've just had a harrowing experience, you have no idea what it's like to be in someone's body -" she hesitates. "I mean _that_ way. I want you to do it now. Nail me into _this _body."

He doesn't need any more urging.

x

They can barely walk down the short hall, kissing passionately.

"Take me - do it hard, rough!" she cries, pulling him.

"I'll hurt you," he reminds her.

"No you won't," she says, kissing and caressing feverishly. "I want to be sure where I am. I want to feel every inch of you in me. Hard, fast, make me feel you," she gasps, lust ripping her breath her questing hands search and he stops hesitating.

"_Don't _hold back - I want to feel you! Take me, you giant! _Take _your bitch!"

The closet door bursts open and slams against the bedroom door as Sammy Sky falls out, slams to the floor.

Shocked, Jimmy stares at the petite blonde, her hands tied before her, knees and ankles tightly bound and a rolled handkerchief pulled down to her neck. Chelle is still holding him but all his world focuses on the fury of the woman laying on the floor who half sits up, eyes wide in searing rage.

"_**What the Hell are you two doing with my body**_?"

x

"Should be obvious," Chelle – _Sammy_? – tells her as he rushes backward to the edge of the bed. The woman beside him sighs hard. "It was great too, until 'witchus interrupt us'."

"_Chelle_?" he says, looking from one to the other, one frustrated, the other tied and furious on the floor, no longer sure which one to address.

"When I get untied I'm gonna _kill _you!" Sammy's mouth cries, her face showing such red fury as the petite blonde was never capable.

"Not while I'm in here," Michelle on the bed counters with a smirk and he pulls back further, nearly falling off the mattress.

This only drives Michelle - Sammy - _whoever's _on the floor into deeper frustrated rage and she rips at the ropes, unable to loosen them.

"Jimmy, untie me!"

"I wouldn't if I were you," Michelle advises; or rather her lips do.

"GOD DAMN IT, Jimmy," the small blonde woman cries, pulling helplessly at the ropes, "you untie me this instant or I'll turn you into an aardvark!"

"She needs her hands free for that," 'Michelle' points out.

"_Will you keep out of this_?" he demands. "It's your fault we're in this mess. God, I'd _spank _you if I didn't think you'd enjoy it."

"No matter which of us you do that with, you're guaranteed an orgy."

He leans forward, nails her in place with his finger hard to Michelle's chest. "Just stop." She shifts to her left and he yanks his finger back from her breast like it'd been burned.

"Don't you like it?" she asks with a devilish grin.

"_JIMMY_!"

He backs completely off the bed, sure this is the worst nightmare of his life - or the end of it.

x

"You should've seen him," Michelle tells Sammy - or rather Sammy – "He was like a wild man."

"Jimmy!" Sammy's body yanks his attention to the floor. "_Untie me_!"

"What are you going to do?" He's afraid of her power - and her temper.

"She can't do anything," Michelle - _Sammy _counters. "She has no power, we both know that," she finishes, looking victoriously at the bound woman. "It's in here."

"But you don't know how to use it."

"I learn fast."

"Then I'll rip you apart _with my bare hands_!"

"Be my guest. It's your body."

"I know what _hurts_."

"Your hubby's cannon."

The blue eyes lock on him and he feels his doom. "_JIMMY_!"

"I didn't do anything! I didn't know it was _you_. _Wasn't _you."

"Get these God damned ropes off me!"

x

He moves to free his wife - not his wife? His wife.

"Bad idea," the other advises, getting off the bed.

"You shut up," he commands, unable to endure much more of this, but he'll be damned if he suffers for any of it.

He unties Sammy's - Michelle's – ankles, legs and hands, boosts her to her feet but as she makes a move on the taller brunette - five feet against five five - "Wait!" He pulls her back, makes her turn.

"Why?"

"_What _did you say earlier?" Before the Earth spun out control this most recent time.

"What? Who cares?" She turns back to her target, who takes a step back.

"'God damn it'?" She's an Episcopalian and a witch but she has her preferences and priorities and "When do you call on God instead of your Goddess?" He turns to Michelle - to the woman in Michelle's body. "And when, 'Sammy', do you taunt anyone?"

"Oops." 'Chelle' says.

"You blew it," the blonde he's restraining says, the anger switched off.

"Well, you did first," the brunette's lips smirk.

"But you did worst. I'm not like that at all."

"_WHAT_?"

Brunette Michelle comes up to him, kisses his motionless lips. "Surprise, honey, you've been _Pranked_."

Both women burst out laughing, hugging each other.

For several moments, enduring the high laughter of the naked brunette and clothed blonde, he's not sure what to think but he doesn't like it.

x

"You should have seen your _face_." 'Chelle - his real wife - tells him, barely able to get the words out.

"When I broke out of the closet," Sammy laughs gayly, "I thought you were going to have a heart attack!"

They're laughing so hard they must hold each other up.

"You mean this was–? There isn't a–?"

"_Muto_," Michelle laughs. "I thought I'd lose it then! Didn't know you knew Latin."

"I'm a _Doctor_. But I almost gave out when I said 'Pineapple!"

"Yeah, where's _that_ come from?"

"You mean I–? You–?" He can't think clearly enough to say it.

"Well, we had to get you out of the house," Michelle admits, "but it was supposed to be salt."

"I like Pineapple," Sammy giggles.

"And you were you when I got back?"

"Jimmy," the real Sammy tries hard to say over her mirth "I love you but your married, so I would never do it with you..." the bisexual woman looks Michelle up and down, "but if ever I were tempted to–"

Both women scream when he tackles them and they land together upon the bed. This had never occurred to him before but he'll change their screams and show them 'Pranked'.

Fin.


End file.
